The Fog of Grief

Dear Jesus,

I never thought these words would come from my mouth.

And I’m not sure how to say this, really. 

But I have to try.

I’ve been thinking a lot about 2013, and how it was filled with unexpected twists and turns that in many ways crushed many parts of my soul. It left me frightened and uncertain. Stunned. Damaged. Heartbroken. Untrusting. Immobile.

It brought me to my knees, which eventually led me straight into your arms.

And for that, I am so thankful.

Thank you for meeting me in the darkness, a place you don’t find nearly as scary as I do. Thank you for holding me as long as necessary. Thank you for healing the broken places, or at least starting me on that journey.

Thank you for reminding me to trust the people you’ve given to me. Thank you for reminding me the risks will be worth it. Thank you for the pleasant surprises you planted along the way; hidden treasures that proved you were there on a path I wasn’t strong enough to travel alone.

Thank you for instilling gifts in me that don’t really feel like they belong to me. Thank you for being ready to use me to touch others, when I’m ready to be used once again. Thank you for pointing me toward Heaven and spending Eternity hand in hand with you.

I love the way you love me; spending time in your arms and pouring out all the questions from my confused little heart. Truly, there’s no place I’d rather be.

But I think the time has come for me to do something. Anything.

You created me for a purpose. Isn’t that what you’ve been whispering in my ear?

You have a plan that includes me.

It’s my job to watch for the ones you put in front of me. And be ready when you call me to act.

You asked me to share the message of my heart; the things I’ve learned by spending this time with you.

I have a lengthy list of unfinished projects, of things you asked me to do a long time ago. I guess it’s time to finish them, or I’ll never learn what comes next.

It’s time to work toward a goal other than simple survival. It’s time to open my eyes, so I can pay attention to my surroundings. It’s time to get out of the boat, to take the first steps of faith into what feels impossible. It’s time to step out of the fog of grief to see all the things you’ve been doing in the lives of others.

It’s time to focus on someone other than myself. Anyone. Everyone.

It’s time to look forward instead of looking back.

It’s time to thank you for the lessons of 2013. I won’t forget them, I promise. They are a part of my story now.

It’s time to rejoin the race set before me.

Thank you for believing in me, and giving me a reason to overcome. For fighting the battles. And winning.

I adore you, my Jesus, and love the safety net of feeling your arms around me.

But I think it’s time for you to put me down.

We’ve got a lot to accomplish this year, you and me.

Let’s do this!

Until forever,

Janet