Instructions for Developing Caught Person Syndrome

Getting locked up isn’t all that easy, despite what you may have heard.

First, there must be criminal activity. Once clearing that hurdle, there’s the matter of getting caught. Someone must discover your behavior, and–this is important–not just anyone will do. The someone has to be an individual who objects to your offense. If the only witnesses are drinking buddies who don’t mind your robbing their grandmother during her absence, there’s little chance they’ll report you to authorities. Unless the grandmother accuses them. But without her actually catching them, this may be treated by authorities merely as her hunch. Until the stolen goods show up in a pawn shop that actually keeps a record of items pawned.

Now we have a witness, an objective piece of paper with your name linked to the stolen property. You are caught. Beyond this incredible feat of managing to steal from a persistent granny (who has memorized 911 and is not afraid to use it), sell to a paper-trailing pawn shop, and hang with a group of lousy friends eager to clear their name and smear yours, lies the slim chance that you will indeed be incarcerated. Assuming you haven’t left the jurisdiction of your crime and that it is an offense punishable by jail time.

Once given a jumpsuit, or much sooner if you find it necessary, your caught person syndrome may begin.

You must appear outraged at all involved in your demise, so long as this is never directed at yourself. Or, you may simply choose one individual to focus your fury upon, be it the grandmother, the grandson, the cop who pulled you over for driving on expired tags or the person who loaned you the car with expired tags.

Let this be your object lesson: Pretend you’re standing in your kitchen holding the bloody head of a loved one by the hair. The detached body lies at your feet. Someone barges through your doorway and into your kitchen, catching you in the aforementioned position. You must immediately begin to rail against them for trespassing, for their rude, arrogant behavior evident in their failure to knock, and for their quick rush to judgment against you. Quickly spread the word on social networks that they were caught sneaking into your home, then assign questionable motives to their presence there. Mention your suspicion of missing items from their previous visits. You are well on your way to embracing the lifestyle of the authentic, bona fide caught person.

The key to your success is your assigning blame and questionable motives to the “catcher,” the person objecting to your behavior. If done immediately, thoroughly and with large doses of venom, the scenario will play out like a well delivered magic trick; all eyes will be redirected to superfluous movements and away from reality.

Note to immoral amateurs: This behavior translates just as smoothly to questionable activity of the non-criminal variety, to pretty much any conduct you’d like to be absolved of responsibility for.

Note to doubters: The preferred outcome is not reliant upon how guilty you are and how well intentioned and innocent the objectors are. The objective is making the catcher carry your blame.

Infomercial: It worked on Jesus, the compassionate, sinless one. And this when people needed to choose between him and demons as the real problem. See below:

When Jesus arrived on the other side of the lake, in the region of the Gadarenes, two men who were possessed by demons met him. They lived in a cemetery and were so violent that no one could go through that area.
They began screaming at him, “Why are you interfering with us, Son of God? Have you come here to torture us before God’s appointed time?”
There happened to be a large herd of pigs feeding in the distance. So the demons begged, “If you cast us out, send us into that herd of pigs.”
 “All right, go!” Jesus commanded them. So the demons came out of the men and entered the pigs, and the whole herd plunged down the steep hillside into the lake and drowned in the water.
The herdsmen fled to the nearby town, telling everyone what happened to the demon-possessed men. Then the entire town came out to meet Jesus, but they begged him to go away and leave them alone.  (Matthew 8: 28-34)

Thanks to the herdsmen’s rendition of the account, Jesus was not to be credited for healing two violent men and solving the problem of their destructive behavior. He was to be blamed for destroying all those pigs.

I’ve observed the caught person syndrome throughout the bulk of my existence, beginning with my visits to jail as a toddler. There I witnessed repeat offenders returning to the same cell for decades, like desperate escape convicts fleeing on a treadmill. They were present to observe my volunteering in the church services for inmates from childhood to adulthood. I’ve discovered this is not a fungal behavior limited to growth in prisons. It thrives anywhere the dark atmosphere of blame and a non-repentant heart is present.

Jesus said the light of the body is the eye. If the eyes are open and healthy, the body experiences light, and if the eyes are closed or the eyesight is destroyed, the body experiences darkness. But Jesus declared the deeper darkness to be the darkness taken in by a man with open eyes, a light turned into darkness. A truth turned into a lie. A good intention assigned an evil motive. A herdsman’s persuasive rendition of the account that hinders the work Jesus intended to do in that place.

So then, the caught person syndrome is an eyesight issue. The affected individual is unable to focus their gaze inward for personal examination or upward for truth and enlightenment. They blindly lead the blind into the ditch. In search of the swine.

Photo courtesy of JoKMedia

Leah Morgan

Leah was sidelined from her congressional aspirations when her mother bargained like a politician herself and offered paid tuition in exchange for her attending a year’s worth of Bible College. Leah complied, ended up completing that three year course, and eventually settled for enacting and enforcing laws upon her three children. Her husband, Bonnard, is the President of this union and sometimes of the same party line. They live in an ancient home in a small Maryland town where George Washington probably slept or picked his wooden teeth or something.

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