Careening

A note from Tina: Long, deep conversations, romantic walks, and sharing a good book with her kids are all things that make Paula happy, but despite the good things in her life, she has weathered storms that would leave anyone shaken. Like Paula, you have probably felt your life careening out of control. Maybe like her you have doubted your career, struggled with your health, or questioned God’s presence. For Paula, she has struggled on her journey as a writer, but for some it might be a complete job loss, or fear of it. How does one keep their faith in the midst of so much worry and chaos? Please welcome today’s guest at Inspire a Fire, author Paula Moldenhauer, as she sheds some light on this question:

 

by Paula Moldenhauer

Silent circles accompanied the shriek of metal against metal. We spun to the left only to be hit a second time. After impact there was no sound as our surreal spinning on the ice continued. When we stopped four lanes of traffic flew toward us on I-25 near Denver.

“Father! Protect us!” My voice rang out as I stared at a trucker who fought to halt his fourteen wheeler. Cars whipped around us as others fought to stop before impact.

“You gotta get us off this highway,” I told my friend. For a moment she was paralyzed, then she slammed the car into reverse and pressed hard on the gas pedal. We retraced half of the circle we’d just made. Off the highway, we sat shaking. A careless driver had left five carloads of people gulping for life.

We walked away, but the incident continues to haunt me, still bringing bursts of emotion a month later.

My family and I had just survived four years of assault. Between us we’d seen 7 diagnoses that led to 5 surgeries and 6 different therapies. There were two broken bones, a year of serious food allergies that left my daughter unable to eat, and we almost lost our home of 23 years. The scariest part was when my husband almost died.

I’d survived all of that, but this accident left me trembling. I should be grateful to be alive, but instead I felt completely defenseless. Anger raged. How much more would God allow? It felt like a direct attack as I moved forward in several new areas on my writing journey, and I wondered why God didn’t protect me from it.

For two weeks I accomplished little. Between the damage of whiplash, the emotional backlash, and the tears on my eyelash, I felt debilitated.

I wanted to connect with God—to trust Him, to feel safe, to sense His love.

But I couldn’t.

I could only whisper I was sorry for my continuing anger and admit my need of His grace.

As days turned to weeks, I began to quiet. Somehow I met my first book deadline and fought through the fog to attend to my new duties as the American Christian Fiction Writers Colorado Coordinator.

Finally this week worship slipped over me as God sent songs in the night. Joy bubbled up at the support of friends. The love of my husband and the tenderness in His eyes pushed back the darkness.

I don’t know if all new steps on this writing journey are met with such a pounding, but I’ve noticed a pattern of assault when I move into new grace, new light, new places of influence. When I’m hurt, lying beaten on the floor, my knee-jerk reaction is to look upon myself with disdain.

I tell myself I should be stronger.

He says in my weakness He is strong.

I say I can’t feel Him.

He pulls me to His heart and holds me until I sense His arms.

I despise my roiling emotions.

He’s not affronted by them. He knows the tears of the garden.

I fear I’ve lost my faith.

He waits until I recognize it is intact. He gave it to me, and it cannot be taken away.

Sweet Jesus,

Thank you for taking up residence in my heart and staying there. You never leave or forsake me. You began this good work in me, and You will finish it. Praise You, Lord! You are never threatened by my fickle emotions or worried about my weakness. You are my every breath even when I don’t know it. As I breathe in and out, open my heart to experience You.

Paula Moldenhauer is an author, speaker, and mom of four, she longs to be close enough to Jesus to Breathe His fragrance. Published over 300 times, Paula’s first two books, You’re a Charmer, Mr. Grinch, and Titanic: Legacy of Betrayal, release in 2012.  Visit her: http://www.facebook.com/PaulaMoldenhauerAuthor