He sings every night.
Guests in our home find it cute to listen to our youngest lull himself to sleep with song. But his songs are more than cute to me. They are God speaking to my heart, Enjoy this little boy and remember what I did for you.
Years ago, my best friend Marti and I found out we were pregnant within weeks of each other. I was thrilled that we could go through pregnancy together and knew our babies would be buddies.
Then I started bleeding.
Gripped with fear, my husband Corey and I went immediately to see our midwife. “Is there anything I can do to stop it?” I asked.
“At this point the only thing to do is wait,” she said. “The bleeding might stop on its own. But it might not.”
Corey and I left the clinic pleading with God to let us keep the baby. As time passed we realized his answer was, “No. Not this one.”
I crashed down off my emotional high and broke apart inside. Grief overcame me. And soon I let that grief take an ugly turn. I became jealous of Marti and angry at God.
“Why would you make me watch my best friend’s pregnancy and take my own baby away? Why would you hurt me like this?”
Praying Through the Pain
I didn’t feel close to God, but still I prayed. Sometimes they were ugly, selfish prayers, but I prayed nonetheless. I prayed through the anger. I prayed through the jealousy. I prayed earnestly for a baby. The more I chose prayer, the closer I felt to God. And the closer I felt to him, the more difficult it was to stay angry and jealous.
Then Marti’s baby was born. Feelings I thought I had overcome came whirling to the surface. My emotions fought inside me as I drove to the hospital to meet her third born. But I walked into that hospital wanting more than ever to be genuinely happy for my friend.
I stared into Baby Ethan’s precious face and was overcome with joy even as I fought through pain. What an amazingly beautiful emotion; that of joy and pain mixed. Ethan was chosen by God for Marti and I knew it that day.
From then on, I started praying for peace in God’s will. If it was not his plan for us to have a third child, I wanted to come to a place of acceptance. But he did choose to bless us with another pregnancy. My most physically difficult, but my most emotionally treasured pregnancy.
Beauty from Ashes
In the end a perfect newborn was placed in my arms. Baby Lewis who rarely cried, who was happiest when his big brothers created chaos around him, and who began singing himself to sleep even before he could speak a word.
A beautiful nightly concert that has carried over into his childhood. Sometimes still, as I stand beside his bedroom door and listen to my sweet boy sing, I’m overcome with memories of our journey to get here. I am reminded that God had this picture of our family in his realm of vision when our last baby returned to his heavenly arms. He knew what I couldn’t possibly know. That this singing boy was the one to complete our family.
If our third baby had not passed away so early in the womb, we’d have never experienced the gift of Lewis.
This is the way of my Savior. From death he brings life. From ashes he brings beauty. From sadness he brings a song.
The spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He sent me to…bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning. Isaiah 61:1,3